Chess Scotland
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The Blair Hawthorne Story
I received this story
from Blair Hawthorne a couple of days ago.
It is HILARIOUS, the kind of thing that can’t be made up! Curious?
Read it!
Return to Chess
Thoughts
HEY
AMZ! This is it…the story…the final copy…from me…to you…my side…my story!
We have all had
one moment in our lives where we feel utterly hopeless, not a clue what is
going on, the situation is beyond our control, think back to a memory where
say you did something completely stupid, not necessarily chess e.g. going for
the a7 pawn in the first round of the British, no, it can be say when a
friend walks in on you naked or you have a huge wet stain on your
trousers......... are you feeling the burn??.......well I would be willing to
bet my Wallace and Grommit Clock, that I can beat
it. This is the story, my side, my view, 100% genuine; this is The Andrew
Greet Story.
It all started
in Robbie Coleman’s room at the British. During a fascinating discussion
about David and his "love life", I felt a rumble in my trouser pocket,
at first I thought it was Andrew Green being cheeky but after investigation
it turned out to be my phone, I had a text:
"Go to your
bedroom n look out the window..." from Unanimous X (for the safety of their
identity I will call them this for the story). Copy Protection Act 2006.
I made my excuses
and left the lads in the room, making my way down the corridor I heard the continuous
banging from the room as if somebody was being shoved against the wall
repeatedly - poor Oz. I made my way to my bedroom and looked out the window,
- Unanimous X - was there, and I headed out. I met ( now I will tell you this
is a she for convenience) "her" outside, I was rather surprised by
the whole situation as well, I had a whole plan for Anton’s room lets just
say "I was going to turn his world upside down!” In repayment for his
prank on me last night!
Anyways, we headed around the block and were
discussing "her" dad and how strict he was and how
"un-boy" he was about her daughter and how he would react to
"her" being with one, we turned around the corner (just) holding
hands as "she" was scared of the dark. (Honesty is a virtue!)
But just like
Blair Hawthorne’s luck at chess guess who we see coming….. HER DAD! After
quickly disconnecting I shoved my hands in my pockets and busied my self in
my phone, fortunately he only turned around then,
“Oh hi there
dad…. ” His menacing eyes turn like into daggers and stab first into her and then
hammer into me like a drill. “Emmm… Blair is coming
back to show my some good lines for the Sicilian. ” Now anybody who knows me
will know that opening are not my strongest part of my game, now saying the
Sicilian is like trying to read Swahili and Chinese mixed together, or as
Robbie said
“The closest Blair
has come to the Sicilian is a pizza…” well put Robbie.
We begin the walk up the hill, me following Unanimous
X and her dad, I can tell he doesn’t like me already, he keeps asking her
these questions I only heard snippets but it was very intimidating! We arrive
at the house, the smell of a very strong curry hits my eyes and makes my
belly role, and I despise hot, hot curries. I am stalked into the room with
the board – 64 squares of doom – Unanimous X sits in front of me and
Unanimous X’s dad sits beside me
“Let’s see some Sicilian then!”
Or words to that effect, fortunately I see
the top of a score sheet and bang out the first few moves with the Andy Green
and Robbie Coleman saying “Strong logical chess…” I give adequate reasons and
start to get comfortable, I thought “meh this could
be alright I could get out of here with my “genitals” still attached.” Unanimous
X’s dad left the room we were alone. After a moment silence I bark in a
desperate whisper “the Sicilian! What the bloody hell is this………. a pawn here
and there! ……..” I am cut short by “her” dad entering the room, “are you hungry?” I didn’t get a chance to answer “oh k
here have some curry.” I struggle a thank you, the
dad leaves to answer to door. I look at the curry, I could tell it at the
power to destroy most of my taste buds then keep me up all night, I think oh
no I cant eat this, then the mother of Unanimous X enters,
“You tried the
curry yeah? Oh eat up it will get cold!”
I look in horror
from the mum to the plate and back, oh no I can’t offend
her, I try some! BANG! You might as well have placed some of David
Oswald’s chess in my mouth! It was HOT! I struggle on with a couple of
mouthfuls, the mum leaves, she is speaking to their visitor, and I turn back
to Unanimous X
“You owe me big time!”
I start to think
what to do, and how I can get out of this, maybe if I said I had to get
back……… my ideas are cut short. A knock at the door. I turn around. I head
the unmistaken voice of an International Master
“Ah the Sicilian, mind if I watch?” says
International Master Andrew Greet who was by chance doing the commentating of
the British Championship.
I wet myself. I
freeze. This is the situation where everything is out of my control, I am helpless,
lost. I feel the continual grinding of my shin as Unanimous X kicks me again
and again. I feel numb, my mind is whirling, “oh s***!” is a common thought
in this situation. Seconds pass. I can imagine my face, rigid tight but my
eyes as large as saucers, I am about to answer a stuttered “I am going to the
toilet” but only get as far as the I, the dad interrupts
“Actually
Andrew, “I think it would be best if Unanimous X had a one on one tonight, is
that okay Blair?” Blair nods his head frantically. I think in a blur this is
my chance…
”actually is it
okay if I head back its getting late?”
The father nods his head and I say bye to
Unanimous X and thanks her parents, I made my way out and survived.
So that is the
story, the one and only, so if you would like to avoid this situation from
arousing do the following!
- don’t try to bluff the Sicilian
- Don’t to drugs
- Don’t EVER talks to the following –
Andrew Green, Hugh Brechin, Robbie Coleman, David
Oswald, Anton Bin Laden, Lloyd Hughes, Calum Macqueen, Ivan Stokes or Connor Woods any of their
associated. They will be the people you will need to be around to get
into this kind of trouble! Thanks for reading.
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